Last night I had a great conversation with some neighbors about paying for college. Most of them I’ve known a long time, but this get-together was organized specifically for me to answer their questions—as best as I could—about college admission and affordability.

The discussion kept circling around two central themes. One, it is so important for parents to talk to their students about the cost of college, their expectations, and their budget. Soon. Don't save those conversations until after the finial aid offers come in. Secondly, because the cost of college can be so unpredictable and confusing, you have to apply broadly. This broad approach to cost mirrors the broad approach to admission. You need to apply to a few college that are a good fit and that you’re really confident you can afford. You can also apply to some that may or may not be realistic depending on how much merit aid they may offer. And you need to be aware of which schools are so selective that they offer no merit aid.

I wasn’t sure where the conversation would lead, and so I made sure to have my main “talking points” ready. We covered some of these, but not all. I’m sharing them here for anyone.

(I’m also compelled to point out that it’s October 1st, which means the FAFSA and CSS Profile are open for current seniors.)

You don’t know what any individual college will cost until your student applies and is accepted. You can get estimates. But how much your student gets depends on how much the other accepted students get, among other factors. So the price is different for everyone, and it’s not settled until aid offers are made to all the accepted students.

Talk to your student about the financial expectations. Be specific. Use numbers. The calmest students I work with are the ones who know what their budget is. Lots of parents don’t want to share too much about their financial situation. It’s common and understandable, but not practical. Be as upfront as possible about your financial goals and limits.

Chances are that nobody wants to pay for your student to go to college more than you do. Colleges usually do help with the cost, but it helps to understand their motives and limits. I sometimes hear parents say “If the college really wants my child to go there, they can offer more aid.” The amount of aid they offer is part of their business model and complicated formulations—not how much they like your kid.

Most parents I talk to say that they fall into that slice of people who make too much money to qualify for financial aid but don’t make enough money to pay for college. All those parents send their kids to college. I’ve yet to meet the person who didn’t go to college because their parents made too much money. Those families end up making choices they didn’t want to make, by choosing a more affordable school over the “dream school,” taking on more debt than they hoped to, and/or selling assets they wanted to keep. But they always choose college.

There are thousands of colleges in the US. Each is unique. But you can break them down into three broad categories: in-state public, out-of-state public, private. Each has a different price range, and each is going to have a different approach to aid.

Roughly 85% of students receive some kind of financial aid. Around 15% pay the “sticker price.” Only about 2% receive a “full ride.” Full athletic scholarships are actually very rare.

Most or all of your aid will come from the college. Start there. Lots of financial aid actually comes from the federal government, in the form of Pell grants and subsidized student loans. Many states also have grants for college affordability. But it’s the financial aid office at the school you attend who coordinates all those awards and loans. The money, even when it isn’t the school’s money, usually makes its way to you through the school.

Merit aid probably doesn’t mean what you think it does. There are several different flavors of merit aid, and it’s often unpredictable. It rarely has anything to do with what a student “deserves.” Again, nobody really wants to pay for your kid to go to college more than you do.

There are two forms you may be asked to fill out. Neither are fun or easy. The FAFSA is administered by the US Department of Education and relies on tax forms. Almost everyone uses this. The CSS Profile is administered by the College Board and tries to understand your assets, not just your income. Many private universities ask for this on top of the FAFSA.

Future earnings correlate to your major more than they do to your college.

Some debt is normal. And debt counts as “aid.” College students having around $30,000 total debt upon graduation is average. For most college grads, that’s manageable. You can get into real debt trouble if you take out much more than that, and you can get into real debt trouble if you borrow money but don’t finish your degree.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

1. Share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

2. Read these related posts:

   Thinking about Return on Investment

   Thinking about debt

   Three things parents should stop saying to their children

   Paying for college: some basic principles

   Not all merit aid is the same

3. Ask a question—or share other resources—in the comments section.

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