Expect surprises
In my years teaching high school seniors who were going though college admission, I learned to expect surprises. Several times I had fairly intense conversations in April with a senior trying to choose between two colleges. And on the May 1st deadline I would learn…that they went someplace completely different. I saw seniors celebrate in December their early acceptance to their dream school only to have very different dreams—and enroll at a very different school—in the spring. I learned never to consider a decision final until the student actually committed on paper. Even then, sometimes students will change their minds or do something completely different. When it comes to college admission, which is a very big, complex, and important decision, we should all expect surprises.
As a consultant, I often remind clients to expect surprises and not to be afraid of them. I’ve had clients begin the process in their junior year with a very clear set of goals, only to find themselves with a very different set of goals by the end. I’ve heard a shocking number of times: “I don’t actually know why I applied to that college.”
I had a couple surprises last week as I was checking in on people to see what news they’ve heard so far and what I can do to help them over the next month. One client initially told me that she’s not interested in going to school in the South, except maybe Florida. Still, I wasn’t too surprised when she told me a month ago that she applied to the University of Alabama. And this week she told me she’d been accepted to 11 schools so far, including Ole Miss. I didn’t know she applied to Ole Miss until she’d already been accepted. Surprise!
Another client had a plan. She was going to apply to UT Austin and Texas A&M, where she knew she would be accepted through auto-admission. She was also going to apply to Harvard and Cornell. And that’s it. Four schools: two assured acceptances, two long shots. So was I surprised when she told me this week that she was offered a scholarship at Auburn and is interviewing at Baylor? A little. But I’ve come to expect surprises.
Students, it’s ok to change your mind about things. People do it all the time, and you’re still growing and figuring things out. All that I ask about changing your mind and embracing the surprises is that you’re honest with yourself about your reasons. Self-knowledge is the best knowledge, and understanding your own motivations is honestly more important to your future success than what college you attend.
Take a (relatively) common example: the senior who gets accepted to an exclusive private college, one that they had as their top choice school, but ends up going to the less selective public university that’s much closer to home. They choose less prestige than they might. Why might a student do this? There are plenty of reasons.
A student might realize that they were only applying to the selective school to see if they would be selected, not because they actually want to go there.
A student may have known all along that they were unlikely to afford the private school but wanted to find out for sure. This student is fine with the decision.
Another student may have just assumed that a big scholarship would fall in their lap, and when it didn’t they changed plans and are very not-fine with the decision.
A student may have applied for the selective school with a major in mind, and then changed their mind about their intended major.
They may have visited the selective school and realized that the culture isn’t a good fit and not worth the extra money for them.
They may be experiencing mental or physical health problems that make being near home more practical.
They may be experiencing a major case of poor self-esteem and feel like they don’t deserve to go to the more prestigious school even though they were accepted.
They may change their mind and have no real idea why.
There are so many reasons to change your plan; there are probably overlapping reasons. But be honest with yourself. If what’s happening is that you’re scared of failure and so you’re setting yourself up for something that seems easier, don’t tell yourself that you’re changing your mind because of the dorms. If you’re freaking out because you now understand your family’s financial situation isn’t a stable as you assumed, don't tell yourself that you’re suddenly philosophically against private education. You can’t grow if you’re not honest about what the problems are. That’s really important.
You don’t have to tell everyone your reasons for changing your plan. You can always say of the school you enroll at: “it turned out to be the best academic, financial, and social fit for me.” And leave it that at. But if the reasons for your surprise move are things you need help with, you have to be honest with yourself so you can get that help.
Parents, keep yourself open to possibilities. When I talk to a student who doesn’t know what they want to major in but feel pressure to figure it out by their senior year of high school, it’s always their parents who are doing the pressuring. The reasons for the pressure are completely valid. It is indeed easier to choose a school suited to your field of study if you know what your field of study is. You are more likely to graduate on time if you go in with a plan and a schedule. College is indeed an expensive place to just explore interests. And yet you have to expect surprises. A third of college students change their major at least once. Forcing them to figure it out before applications doesn’t actually make things go more smoothly. When you’re helping your student choose colleges, focus on things other than fields of study and majors, especially if your child seems unsure. I don’t worry about clients who don’t have a major picked out. They’ve got a lot to discover and a lot that can go right. I worry a lot about clients who seem to have the next five years mapped out. They’re in for surprises, and there’s a lot that can go wrong.
Surprises happen, all the time. Those of us who see them over and over again are not that phased by them. Students going through the process for the first time, and especially their families, are often really distressed about it. Many high school students don't know what they want to do, what they want to study, where they want to be in the world. While I could share a bunch of exercises on trying to figure it out, instead I’m going to share the words of Zen Master Seung Sahn: “Good. Keep this ‘don’t know mind.’ It is an open mind, a clear mind.”
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