There’s a quotation from Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh that I return to often:

If you are lost in a forest at night, you can follow the North Star to find your way out. You follow the North Star, but your goal is to get back home; it’s not to arrive at the North Star.

It’s an analogy that Hanh use several times in his writing and talks. In all cases, it’s about not confusing the method with the bigger-picture goal. In his book Being Peace, he uses it when talking about how difficult it can actually be to follow even a basic guideline, like not killing animals:

If you are lucky enough to have a vocation that helps you realize your ideal of compassion, you still have to understand more deeply. If I am a teacher, I am very glad to have this job helping children. I am glad that I am not a butcher who kills cows and pigs. Yet the son and daughter of the butcher come to my class, and I teach them. They profit from my right livelihood….You may try to follow a vegetarian diet, to lessen the killing of animals, but you cannot completely avoid the killing. When you drink a glass of water, you kill many tiny living beings…..I am aware that my vegetarian dish is not completely vegetarian, and I think that if my teacher, The Buddha, were here, he could not avoid that either. The problem is whether we are determined to go in the direction of compassion or not. If we are, then can we reduce the suffering to a minimum? If I lose my direction, I have to look for the North Star, and I go to the North. That does not mean I expect to arrive at the North Star. I just want to go in that direction.

Rules, guidelines, and methods are great for helping us achieve our goals, but they’re not the same as the goal. We don’t follow the North Star to get to the North Star.

This understanding can be really useful when you’re working through college applications and start getting stressed about the expectations. My SAT score is in their bottom 25%—does that mean I’m not qualified? The college’s admission website says they recommend four years of social studies, but my I’ve only got three years—should I even bother to apply? I know that it’s good to visit campus, but I didn’t have time to visit campus—that’s going to count against me, isn’t it? Don’t get too bogged down in the guidelines and expectations. There are definitely some non-negotiable rules. But lots of the guidance and advice is just…guidance and advice, not the goal. Those details just let you know that colleges are looking for smart, hard working students who have already expereinced some academic success and are active in their college search. If that describes you, then put together the best application you can that demonstrates it. Don’t worry if you don’t check off every tiny box. You’re goal isn’t to check off boxes, it’s to apply to a college that’s a good fit.

It’s good to remember this in the larger picture as well. Your goal isn’t to be accepted to a particular college or a particular type of college. Your goal is to become a productive, successful, happy adult. Going to a “good college,” however you define that, is a path to that goal, it’s not the goal itself. If you’re not accepted to your top-choice school, or are denied from many schools and enroll at a “safety,” it doesn’t mean that you won’t achieve your goal of becoming a productive, successful, happy adult. If you are accepted to your “dream school,” it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will achieve your goal. If you cheat, plagiarize, and lie on your resume to get into a school that will make you feel good about yourself, you’re not likely to feel good about yourself. The hit you take to your integrity and self-worth will negate the temporary, superficially good results.

The whole process can all be especially difficult if you don’t know where Home is. If you only have the method but don’t know the goal, that can be demoralizing. I’ve known a number of high school students who knew to follow the North Star, but had no idea where they were going. They knew to get good grades, to have things they could put on an Activities List, to get accepted to selective university. But they didn’t have any goals or ambitions beyond that. They were following the North Star just to follow it, with no real idea why they wanted out of the woods or where home was. If they were being honest with themselves, some would probably see that they spent so much time and energy following the North Star to avoid having to think too much about Home. None of us have a goal or path all the time; all of us go through the motions of what we think we’re supposed to do until we figure out a higher calling or passion. It’s really common, and not necessarily a problem at all. If you think you’re doing this—that you’re following a method to reach your goals even though you’re not sure what you’re goals are—the first step is be honest with yourself and acknowledge that’s the case. The next thing is to be kind to yourself and curious about yourself. You’ll find your way. Get help if you need it. Just don’t expect that you’re going to arrive at the North Star.

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