Whether you’re a student or a parent, I’d really like you to take a few minutes to read an article by Melody Warnick, “I Killed my Teenager’s Fancy College Dreams. You Should, Too.” It was on Slate a few weeks ago.

Warnick explains that she and her husband decided to “scare the hell out of [their daughter] about taking on student debt.” Their scare tactics worked, and their daughter—a current high school senior—has only applied to a few colleges she’s confident they can afford without taking on any debt.

One of my Five Foundations is to talk to your family about money, soon. And this family gives a fantastic example of why it’s important and how to actually do it. Let me highlight the things I especially love about Warnick’s approach.

They gave their daughter the details, and they did it early. Warnick and her husband weren’t vague with their daughter.

One day when Ella was a sophomore, we laid out our financial situation. We told her we’d saved about $40,000 in a 529 to pay for her college. Between that, a part-time job, and some serious scrimping (“You like ramen, right?”), we could probably afford to send her to an in-state university, or maybe a really cut-rate private college with two years of community college first.

Plenty of parents are willing to talk around the edges of paying for college. They’ll say (as does Warnick) that they fall into the “too poor to pay for college, too rich to get financial aid” category, but they won’t say ( as Warnick does) exactly what that means. They’ll say “you need to get scholarships” or “let’s see what the numbers look like.” What Warnick does—and what I encourage every parent to do—is give the numbers. In this case, $40,000. In a 529, which is dedicated to education. Whenever their daughter looks at the price of a university, she can compare it with the $10,000 per year that is already covered. All students thinking about college should be able to do that.

It’s also wonderful that they had this talk with their daughter earlier, in her sophomore year, before college applications were actually happening. I talk to high school seniors often, and many—way too many—have no idea how much their family expects to contribute to college, even as they’re applying to colleges. That’s so, so late. And it often makes for an extreme amount of anxiety for the students.

They talked about the risks associated with debt, not just the rewards. I’m not quite as debt-averse as Warnick seems to be, either as an admissions consultant or as a parent of two kids. While you do hear horror stories, and the trade-offs are very real, the boost in earnings from a college education makes the risk worth it for most people, most of the time. Still, it would be foolish of anyone to talk about the good side of student loan debt—higher paycheck from a better job—but ignore the bad side—having a significant part of your income go to pay interest on debt, for at least a decade or two.

They understand that future income is linked to your major more than your college. Why is Warnick so sure that student loans are a bad deal for her daughter? Because her daughter wants to study art. The expected income for a future artist, even one who goes to a big-name, expensive school, is still much lower than for, say, a future engineer. Warnick makes this point explicitly:

While there may be a few good reasons to opt for a fancy college and suck up the student loan debt (you need a really specific program, for instance, or statistics show you’ll earn far more money after you graduate), those didn’t apply to Ella’s situation. “If you want to be an artist and you graduate with a ton of student loan debt, you can’t afford to be an artist, anymore,” I told her, explaining that you become a creatively stymied wage slave instead.

People love to guess at the potential return on investment for universities, but please remember that it’s your college major that most directly decides your earnings, not which school you go to.

They were reflective. Warnick admits to feeling conflicted:

To give my daughter a hard no on something she really, really wants—and that I in theory want for her!—makes me feel like a monster. While other parents cheerfully promise that “if you get in, we’ll figure out the money part,” I’m over here sounding a Greek chorus of caution and lament. Sometimes I long to just say yes. Saying yes feels good. Yes makes people happy.

All parents feel conflicted at least some of the time—and many of us feel conflicted a lot of the time—but parents aren’t often encouraged to admit the conflict. It’s supposed to be that Father and/or Mother Know Best. One thing I encourage high school students to do when it comes to college is to be open and honest with themselves about their motivations. I say some version of this all the time: “if you want to go to an elite college because you think it will boost your confidence and feel good to say you got in to a place everyone has heard of, that’s fine. We all have egos. You want what you want, and it’s not my job to tell you you’re wrong. But you have to admit that to yourself, think about it, and consciously decide how much of a factor that really should be when it comes to deciding to pay more money or take on debt.” Warnick reminds us that parents have to do the same thing. Saying yes does indeed feel good. Worrying about the cost later feels good. But we have to admit that to ourselves and decide consciously how much of a factor that really should be.

There is, however, one thing about Warnick’s approach that I don’t recommend you emulate. She seems to be focused on the sticker price of the colleges, and seems to encourage her daughter to only consider sticker price. (Or perhaps not, but for clarity in the story she doesn’t get into it.) However, it’s not likely that her family, or anyone’s family, will pay the full sticker price: 89% of college students receive some amount of financial aid. It’s possible, but not guaranteed, that Ella could have applied to some schools that are appealing but outside her price range…and found out that they actually are in her price range. You never actually know what a college is going to cost you until you apply, are accepted, and receive a financial aid offer. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to avoid applying to a college just because its published price is too high. I would, however, encourage them to be prepared to walk away if they get accepted but don’t get enough aid. It’s tough to not take a spot at your dream school, even if the price isn’t right. I understand. But you know what makes it easier? The same things Warnick has already discussed: being detailed about the available money, providing that information early enough to let it sink in, and being open and honest with yourself about your motivations and feelings. People who are already doing those things might actually be in the best position to take a leap and apply to some schools that may be out of range—they’ll be prepared to drop them if the aid doesn’t come through.

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Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts: Thinking about debt, Will a Humanities degree make you poor?, and Three things parents should stop saying to their children.
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