Practicing gratitude

Let me tell you about what I ate for Thanksgiving. My wife is a wonderful baker and cook, and she did something different this year. She made regular cornbread dressing, but baked it as muffins. She sliced the dressing muffins in half as a base. A layer of homemade cranberry sauce went on. And then on that went smoked barbeque turkey from my favorite barbeque restaurant in Houston. She put poached eggs on top of that, and then covered it in a sage hollandaise. Thanksgiving Eggs Benedict for a Thanksgiving brunch. (The benedicts were so good that nobody even noticed she forgot the pumpkin pancakes she had promised.) It was a very traditional Thanksgiving meal, only prepared in a different way. Everyone I told about the benedicts said something like “that sounds so good! Why didn’t I think of that!?!?”

Gratitude is on my mind lately. Because of Thanksgiving, of course. And also the wave of articles I’ve seen lately about gratitude being essential for good mental health. Like this one. And this one. And this one. I work with stressed-out high school students for a living, so mental health is always on my mind.

Gratitude is also the topic of the newest essay prompt on the Common Application, and I’ve been thinking of ways to advise people who are interested in writing about it.

Reflect on something that someone has done for you that has made you happy or thankful in a surprising way. How has this gratitude affected or motivated you?

I actually haven’t seen any of the students I work with attempt that essay yet. It seems to be a strangely difficult one to write. I suspect one reason students pass it up is because of the idea that your essay needs to stand out. It needs to be unique and individual. But, to a huge degree, we’re grateful about the same things: family, health, being relatively better off than others, having at least a little bit of stability. And the prompt specifically asks about being “thankful in a surprising way.“ That feels hard to do. Tolstoy wrote one of the most famous opening lines to a novel: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” If you’re in a happy family, it seems, there’s no way to write about your happiness in a unique, surprising way.

I’m no Tolstoy, but I reject the idea that you can’t be both happy and unique. A grateful person can be just as quirky and individual as a miserable person. Someone with no “sob story” can be just as inspiring and worthwhile as someone with far too many sob stories. It may just take some more intentional thought to realize it. To write well about gratitude, we need to do what my wife does and make something both new and traditional. If you’re interested in cultivating gratitude, whether for an application essay, better mental health, or just as a thought exercise, here are some approaches.

Think small. You’re grateful to have a healthy body? Excellent. Now, be more specific. Pick three or four specific body parts, internal and external, and think about why you’re grateful for them. For example, I’m extremely grateful for my nose. Noses don’t get a lot of attention (there’s not q wide variety of jewelry or makeup for noses; ever seen a tattooed nose?), but I pay a lot of attention to my nose. It’s actually where most taste comes from, and I enjoy good food more than I enjoy most anything else. My nose contributes to a lot of my joy. As I get older and my allergies lessen, my nose is less a problem area for me. Fewer sniffles, more flavors. My nose is also a strong reminder of family. My mother’s genes for nose shape must be dominant, because all four of my siblings and I have her nose. Both of my kids have the same nose. My three-month-old niece? Same nose. There’s a variety of hair, height, and eyes in the family, but our noses are a reminder of our shared biology and history.

You can do the same thing for small items in your life. When it comes to gratitude, we tend to focus on the big things: beds, cars, computers, things like that. But what about the small things? All of us should be more grateful for toothbrushes than we are. And door locks. And ice cubes. There are probably many things people have done that you should be thankful for, but that you overlook. They’re probably small things. Work on thinking of some.

What do people praise you for? I ask all my students this question in our first meeting: what do teachers, your family, and other adults praise you for? When say good things about you, what are they? Everyone has difficulty answering this question at first. There’s always a long pause. But then, after they think about it, I hear wonderful things. My teachers praise me for being a leader who can get the group back on track. Everyone says I’m a good writer and can express myself. I’m the person people count on to ask a good question. People say I’m a hard worker. Thinking about what you’re praised for is a great place to think about gratitude. This thing you’re good at: what innate qualities make that possible for you? What people help make it possible? What systems and traditions help make it possible? What habits make it possible, and where did you learn those habits? What continual practice keeps you good at it, and who helps you with that practice? When a leader or a star wins a prize, it’s common to say “I couldn’t have done this without the team that made it possible.” When you get praised for something, think about it the same way. Who are the team that made it possible? Is there anything there to be thankful for in a surprising way?

Not getting what you deserve. Everyone wants to get what they deserve—nobody likes feeling disappointed or cheated But there’s a lot of gratitude to be found in not getting what you deserve sometimes. Start by thinking of times you got more of a good thing than you deserved. The seventh chicken nugget in the six-pack you paid for. The five dollar bill you found on the ground. The teacher who didn’t count a late assignment as being late, or bumped up a grade a little bit. Again, the things above and beyond what we deserve are usually small things, but that doesn’t make them any less available for gratitude.

Getting less than you deserve is often annoying. It’s often unfair. It’s sometimes truly tragic or oppressive. And sometimes it’s a blessing. I know several people who broke an arm or leg as a kid doing stupid things like jumping off the roof just for fun. I did stupid things like that, and deserve at least one broken bone. But somehow I lucked out and got less than I deserved. I’m grateful. At least once that I know of, I wasn’t paying enough attention and ran a stop sign. But there was nobody there to notice or to run into. I deserved an accident, a ticket, getting honked and yelled at. I didn’t get what I deserved, and I’m grateful. It feels good to get what you deserve, but there is often gratitude to be found in getting something other than what you deserved.

None of these exercises—looking at the small things, exploring the roots of what you’re praised for, thinking about the good side of not getting what you deserve—are going to quickly become a response to the Common App prompt about being happy or thankful in a surprising way. But they can eventually lead to a strong response. And even if they don’t, they can help you cultivate that healthy sense of gratitude in ways other than gratitude journals. Nothing against journaling, but it’s nice to know there are more techniques out there.

Here’s to a happy holiday season. I know it can be stressful and difficult, especially for seniors who, on top of all the other things, have applications due soon. Acknowledge and validate the difficult things, don’t try to just ignore them. But also find some small things to be grateful for.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

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2. Read these related posts:

   Seniors, it’s time for thank-you notes

   To do better at school, think of studying like bathing

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Photo by Angela Elisabeth

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Seniors, it's time for thank-you notes

If you’re a senior who’s sent out all your applications, it’s a weird time. After all that working, now you’re waiting. Waiting to hear back from everyone—both in terms of acceptance and financial aid—before you make a final decision. While you wait to hear from schools and think about how to choose from your acceptances, take some time to write thank-you notes. Write a thank-you note to everyone who has done something for you along the way: teachers who wrote recommendation letters, counselors who sent off transcripts, college admissions personnel who answered questions, people who took time to interview you. Everybody. They gave some of their time to help you, and you should thank them if you haven't already.

Do it in writing. I hope you remembered to thank people along the way in person, but you should also send a written note. Many people still insist that you only send hand-written thank you notes, but for most of these email is really fine. If you have less-than-great handwriting or don't happen to have good stationary ready to go, then email is really better. Be specific in what you're thanking them for: "thank you for taking the time to write and send recommendation letters," or "thank you again for the time you spent with me in our interview." Also let them know that you appreciate their time and expertise. 

Do it individually, not in batches. No matter how alike they may sound, send every thank you note individually. Use the person's name. I can tell you from experience that being included on a "thanks to all of you" email with 11 other people doesn't particularly feel like being appreciated. And on that note, even if the only reason you're sending a thank you is because your mother is making you or you feel obligated, don't tell people that. (Yes, I’ve seen this before.)

Gifts can be tricky. You may be tempted to include a gift. You probably shouldn't. If you're sending a gift to a person at a university while your application is still being processed, it can look like an attempted bribe. Same goes for giving a gift to a teacher before they've sent out the recommendation or if you’re still in their class with more grades coming this semester. If you decide that it is appropriate to give a small gift, then be thoughtful about it. There are very few adults in the world thinking "I sure wish someone would bring me another coffee mug!" People who don't drink coffee may be tired of receiving Starbucks gift cards. People on diets probably don't want candy, and a huge percentage of adults think of themselves as on diets. While there may actually be some teachers or counselors who want a piece of leftover birthday cake or your first attempt to bake cookies, they probably don't think it's a good thank you gift. Unless you know the person well enough to really know something that they want, you should probably just stick to a note. 

Don't wait. You're thanking the person for their time and effort, not your results. So don't wait until you hear back from colleges and only send thank you notes to people associated with the ones who accepted you. (Yes, I've seen this too.)

Follow up. If a teacher, counselor, or other adult helps you in any way with a college application, follow up and let them know how it went. I've had students who I spent several hours with looking over essay drafts, writing recommendation letters, or giving advice who never told me what school they ended up choosing. Don't get people emotionally invested and then leave them hanging!

If it helps, here is an example of a basic thank you note:

Dear Ms. Washington,

Thank you again for writing recommendation letters for me to Stanford and the University of Alabama. I know you don't write them for everyone, and I'm honored you would spend time to do that for me. In this especially crazy year, I’m especially grateful that you could spend extra time helping me. Wherever I end up going to school, I know that my experience in your class will have me prepared. I'll let you know when I hear back from the colleges!

Thanks again.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

1. Share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

2. Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts: What to do when you get waitlisted, Asking for more financial aid, how do wealthy kids get into elite colleges?

3. Ask a question in the comments section.

Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Angela Elisabeth.

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.