A plan for stressed 9th graders

A few weeks ago an old friend got in touch. Her daughter, who is in the 9th grade, is feeling a lot of stress about college admission. Even though it’s still years before she’ll apply to college, she’s already feeling pressure—mostly from her friends and classmates—to build up her resume and be ready for applications. She’s hearing about people deciding to double up on math classes to look more attractive to colleges. She’s wondering if she should be getting started on test prep. She wants to know how to strategize about the “right” clubs to join and the “best” classes to take next year. My friend asked if I could talk to her daughter and help her understand if that’s realistic.

It’s not realistic. Those are not the things a 9th grader ought to be doing.

But I also understand that “don’t listen to what you’re hearing every day, and will be hearing every day for more than two years” is pretty unrealistic. So I talked to her daughter and we put together a plan. We decided to acknowledge that she’s in a place where there is pressure to begin college prep early, and we decided to find a smarter way to go about it than worry about every rumor of “what colleges want.” I put it into a single page that she can print and have with her—in a notebook at school, on her desk at home, or both.

I’m sharing that one page, and I’d like to explain some of it.

The overarching idea: get out of the “am I worthy?” mindset and treat college like a relationship. All of the discussions, whether formal or casual, about what colleges want, how to look good to colleges, and how to make yourself stand out to to colleges have at their core the “am I worthy?” mindset. This mindset believes that preparing for college is all about showing colleges that you are worthy to be accepted, and that acceptance from colleges is a validation of your worthiness. This mindset isn’t healthy, it isn’t realistic, and it isn’t useful. Instead, you have to think of it like a relationship. Consider what it is you want, what you have to offer, and how to make the most of both of those sides and grow as a person. This is what people really mean when they talk about “fit.”

A few guiding rules:

1.     If the only reason to do something is because “it looks good to colleges,” don’t do it. If you want to take extra math or science classes because you really like the subject and are hoping to keep yourself challenged, that’s great. Go for it. If you want to join an honor society, do what it takes to join it. If you want to keep yourself occupied in a lot of different activities, because you have a lot of different interests, by all means do. But don’t do anything of those things just because you have a sense that “it will look good to colleges.” That’s a lousy reason to do something, because it takes up time and energy that can be spent on doing something that’s actually interesting and important to you. When you find out what colleges are looking for in an applicant you won’t find any of them asking students to waste time on unproductive activities. That’s actually the opposite of what they want.

2.     Focus on the qualitative, not numbers. You’re a person, not a resume. It’s a cliche to say “don’t be another statistic.” However, way too many ambitious high school students work really hard to become statistics. They obsess over GPA, test scores, and the number of accolades they can list. Don’t make yourself into a list. Always be thinking about the quality and richness of your experiences, not the numbers.

3.     It’s not the choice you make, it’s how you explain it.

4.     The keys to success are time management and a meditation practice.

5.     Not sure what colleges want? Ask them. People get their ideas about what colleges want from all sorts of places. They rarely get their ideas from colleges themselves. Want to know what a college is looking for in its applicants? Go to the college website. Go to the admission section. They will probably tell you what’s important to them. You can also search for the college’s Common Data Set to see exactly what’s required and important to them. Simply search “[name of college] common data set.” Go to section C, “first-time, first year (freshman) admission,” which will begin somewhere around pages 6-10. Here is an example of a Common Data Set. Begin at page 7. If you have a specific question about admission requirements that isn’t answered on the website or their Common Data Set, email the admission department at that school and ask. Don’t rely on information that isn’t first-hand from the college. Especially don’t rely on fourth-hand information that comes from your friend’s mom’s coworker who talked to “someone in admissions.”

 To do:

Look at writing prompts. Discuss often. How would you answer them now, and how can you improve your answers over the next year and a half? If you feel the need to prepare for college applications early, begin with writing prompts, not GPA or tests. Make these sorts of questions common discussion topics among you, your family, your friends, and your teachers. Don’t actually write essays yet. But think about how you would answer the question now and how you like to be able to answer the question by your senior year. Here are some samples to get started.

o   “The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?” (from Common Application)

o   “Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.” (from Common Application)

o   “Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome?” (from Common Application)

o   “Why are you interested in the major you indicated as your first-choice major?” (from UT Austin)

o   “Briefly discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.” (from Georgetown University)

Have five go-to colleges for looking things up. Don’t let “colleges” be abstract. Have several in mind, several that you’ve gotten to know. These don’t need to be colleges you will necessarily apply to—you have time to figure that out. But have a list to work with. Get on their mailing list; get to know their website; look them up in guides. Change as often as you like, but always have a list of around five. Here are some to begin with. I picked these almost randomly to get variety. A large public university and a small liberal arts college. Northeast, Atlantic Coast, Mid-west, and California. Places where you might major in art or major in business. Again, make your own list of five, but always have a list of five that you’re familiar with.

o   University of Michigan Ann Arbor

o   Skidmore College

o   William & Mary

o   Santa Clara University

o   Carnegie Melon University

Deepen your relationship with a mentor (including, if necessary, finding one). If you have at least one adult who is not a family member and who you can go to for advice, deepen your relationship with that person. Make an effort to talk to them more often and ask more questions. Discuss the essay prompts above with them. If you don’t yet have a mentor, whether formal or informal, think about how and where you might find one. Sometimes mentors just happen into your life. Sometimes you have to work to find them.

Read more texts, and read more difficult texts. By “text,” I don’t just mean books. Books are great, but they’re not the only kind of text. Whatever you like—books, music, art, video games, poetry, history, science, sports—spend more time with them, and push yourself to deeper understanding. The key here is to study what you love. Don’t only study things that are forced upon you, and don’t let the things you love only be passive distraction. If “study” and “things you love” sound like complete opposites to you, then you’re definitely not ready for college. The more you combine studying with the things you love, the more prepared you’ll be.

Want more? Some places to look for college advice and a better understanding of how the process works:

Apply with Sanity newsletter

Selingo, Who Gets In and Why

Newport, How to Be a High School Superstar

Georgia Tech admission blog

Notes from Peabody: the UVA Admission Blog

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Zoe Herring.

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.

How to handle bad news

Yesterday, December 15, was a day of good news for many college applicants. Thousands of students learned that their Early Decision or Early Action applications had been accepted. Congratulations to all of them!

But it was also a sad day for thousands more, who had their ED and EA applications deferred or denied. (Colleges use the term “denied,” because although they are denying you acceptance to their school they don’t want you to feel like it’s a personal rejection. Every student I know calls it “rejection,” because—at least at first—it indeed does feel like a personal rejection.)

If you got good news, you know what to do. ED applicants—you’re done! Enjoy your break and enjoy your spring! EA acceptances mean you have some place to go and some place to compare your later offers to. That’s a nice spot to be in.

If you got bad news, though, you may not know what to do. You may be overwhelmed with questions or disappointment. So here’s some advice on dealing with the bad news.

First, understand what you’re looking at: is it a no or a maybe? If you are denied, then it means they are not going to enroll you. You won’t be going there; it’s decided. But very often with ED and EA applications, they don’t actually tell you no. They instead defer you to the regular decision pool. Your application will be looked at again, and you still may be accepted—or waitlisted—when those decisions come out. You may still be going to your top-choice school.

Either denied or deferred, if you applied ED this means you need to make sure you have other applications ready to go for regular admissions deadlines, mostly around January 1st. That gives you several weeks. That’s not a whole lot of time, but you were probably working on them anyway. You’ve got time to catch up. Make sure that your applications include a wide range of selectivity. Don’t assume that because you got denied or deferred once that it means you “can’t get in” at a low-acceptance-rate school and decide not to apply to any.

You should also apply to at least one or two schools where you are very confident you will be accepted. For some students, this means making sure you include schools with acceptance rates over 50%. For some it means making sure to include schools with acceptance rates over 70%. For some it may mean applying to schools with acceptance rates over 90%. You probably know which category you fit in—for most, 70% is a good standard, just to be sure.

If you applied EA, this probably doesn’t change much. You were already working on other applications and weren’t completely sure you want to go to this one school. Otherwise, you would have applied ED. So you’ve got emotions to work through, perhaps, but you’re on track.

If you’ve got emotions about the bad news—and you probably do—then you should work hard to name them and understand them. Work on at least one sentence that follows the “I feel _____ because _____” pattern.

I feel disappointed, because I really wanted to go to that college, and they denied me. I feel discouraged, because this denial makes me question how well my other applications are going to go. I feel embarrassed, because I acted as though this was going to be my college, and now I have to find another one. I feel angry, because I think they underestimated me and are taking away an opportunity.

You’ll probably have more than one feeling, and they’ll change over time. If you’ve got negative feelings, that’s not a problem. Don’t listen to the people who tell you not to feel that way. You don’t, in fact, need to stay positive. But one of the most productive ways to make sure your negative feelings don’t sabotage your chances with future applications is to have a clear idea of what your feelings are and where they’re coming from. Naming your feelings is a way to help keep them from controlling you. You’ll probably want to discuss those feelings with someone you trust.

If you got bad news of any kind, you may be wondering what you did wrong. It’s normal to do this, to want to know that one thing that messed things up for you: they must not have liked my essay, or my test scores were too low, or even I know someone with worse grades who got in, so there’s something unfair going on. Let go of this thinking as soon as you can. It’s normal, but it’s not useful or productive. Holistic admissions means that there’s no one thing that you did wrong. It’s just not that simple. The truth, which you may find reassuring but may find frustrating, is that you probably did absolutely nothing wrong. It may be that you did everything fine, but the school had more applicants who did everything fine than they could accept. This is why, other than politeness, they don’t call it a rejection.

If you’re experiencing strong negative emotions and making strong negative assumptions—things like “I won’t be able to have a successful life now that I’m not going to my top choice school” or “I’m not going to be accepted to any college”—then you may need to work on what psychologists call decatastrophizing. You can search for “decatastrophizing worksheet” and find plenty of examples, and they all ask you to logically and honestly ask yourself what the worst possible outcome really is, how likely that worst-case scenario really is, and what you plan to do if that worst case does (or doesn’t) come true. No matter what it feels like right now, the odds that this one college decision will actually be your downfall and ruin your life are incredibly small.

Remember that you planned for this. You knew this might happen, and you planned for it. Even if you applied ED, you knew that you would need a plan B and had other schools in mind. If you applied EA, then you definitely had other schools in mind. You certainly hoped to get good news in the first round, but you knew that it might not be the case. You have a few weeks to finish other applications to most schools, and even longer for some schools with late deadlines or rolling admissions. This is disappointing, but it’s nothing you aren’t prepared for.

The only thing left to do is take the next step. And unless you applied ED to one school and haven’t got a back-up, you already know what the next step is. Feel disappointed or frustrated or sad or embarrassed or whatever else you feel, and then finish up those other applications if you haven’t yet. Don’t decide that you need to throw your entire plan out the window and start all over again at zero. Don't decide that you’re a failure. Don’t decide that you will not even bother applying to college. Don’t spend the next two weeks feeling too bad to do anything about it. Just do what’s next, the logical next step, and you’ll be fine.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

1. Share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

2. Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts:

   What to do when you get waitlisted

   What are your chances of getting into your top college?

3. Ask a question in the comments section.

Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Angela Elisabeth.

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.

Should you go to a community college?

I worked for four years as an English teacher at a large high school in suburban Houston. Talking with my students—all of them juniors—I got the sense that the school counselors gave the exact same advice to every single student: go to community college first; get your basics out of the way; save money. I got really annoyed by this. It wasn’t annoying that they advised community college. Community college is real college, and don’t listen to anyone who tells you different. What annoyed me was that they made the advice universal, the same for everyone. Community college is real college, but like any other type of college, it isn’t the best fit for every single student. In fact I think it’s a bad fit for most college-bound high school students.

I’m going to explain why you should be cautious about planning on community college, but then I’m going to tell you when you shouldn’t listen to me about that. My advice to avoid community college isn’t any more universal than the counselors’ advice to start with community college.

My main concern with beginning at community college and then transferring to a four-year school for a bachelor’s has nothing to do with quality or curriculum. There are really amazing professors at community colleges, and it’s easy to get a high-quality education at most community colleges. My concern is that college is more than curriculum, it’s culture. While you’re at community college getting your basics, a lot is going on at your eventual four-year college with the first- and second-year students there. You’re missing two years of the social bonds that come with starting at a university. Yes, you get social bonds at community college also, but not all those people will follow you to the same university. (If you go to a community college where most of the graduates do go on to the same university, then this problem is of course minimized.) When you begin at a community college, you don’t get early exposure to the professors who will be teaching your upper-level courses in your major and possibly recommending you to graduate programs or internships. You aren’t getting to know any clubs and organizations, and you aren’t making yourself a part of them.

If you’re only in college for the diploma and the credentials, then you may not be bothered much by this. That’s fine. But for a lot of people their university becomes a fairly big part of their identity and the launching point for the trajectory of their life, and doing the first two years of that someplace else can have an outsized effect. This applies not just to community college students but anyone who transfers from one college to another. As someone who transferred from a small liberal arts college to a state university after two years, I can still remember the feeling of not really belonging to either of them. It took a while to get past that. Obviously, lots of people overcome this problem. I did, and millions of others did. But I still think you should be warned that the problem exists.

Also speaking of culture: if you do go to community college, pay close attention to who you’re spending your time with. If you find yourself hanging out and studying with people who are all determined that this is a step on the way to a bachelor’s degree, then it’s easier to keep up your own determination. If you find yourself with a group who are drifting and biding their time, then you can easily end up with the same approach. Normal is, by definition, whatever you’re surrounded by. Choose mindfully what your normal will be at community college.

There’s another ugly truth to four-year colleges you should be aware of: most people don’t graduate in four years. If you’re really going to spend five to seven years in college, then doing two of them at a much more affordable community college makes a lot of sense. But please keep in mind that not all your credits will transfer perfectly or fulfill requirements for your major. For some, beginning at community college is actually what hinders them from graduating in four years. There’s not a simple and easy way to know which approach will be most affordable, especially without financial aid packages in hand to compare.

My biggest concern about community college is for the students who don’t make a decision to go to community college, but use community college as a way to avoid or delay a decision. They’re not sure if college is “right for them,” or they’re not sure where they want to go to college, or they didn’t have the help and resources they need to make a good college decision. So they’re going to go to community college to just give it a try. This is often where the word “just” comes into the equation, as in “I’m just going to go to community college for a year and figure out what to do next.” Whenever “just” is part of your thinking, there’s a problem. It usually means you’re selling yourself short and not realizing everything you’re capable of.

So I think community college is probably not the best option for college-bound high school students. If you’ve got the motivation, skills, and resources to do community college right, then you’ve probably got what it takes to go straight to a four-year college and do it right, too.

So this is when we talk about when you should not listen to me and should go ahead and plan on community college. If for any reason you haven’t yet got the motivation, skills, or resources to thrive in a four-year college, then community college is a great option. There’s no shame or problem with that. If you graduate high school without the motivation, skills, or resources to begin college, it’s almost certainly not your fault. You are at a high school that doesn’t have college readiness as a focus, or you had trauma or difficulties that got in the way. Your financial aid documents weren’t ready in time or you didn’t have support in getting them in the first place. You didn’t have help putting together a balanced college list or the resources at home and/or school to do it successfully. For many people, all of the above are true. If this is the case, then community college is absolutely the place for you. It’s the place where you decisively change your path and the course of your future. It’s where you refuse to let the failures of the system you came from affect the system you go into. It’s a resourceful and affordable and, for many, liberating place. It’s a different path to a bachelor’s degree than going straight to a four-year college, but it’s a well-worn and viable path. And it needs repeating: community college is real college.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

1. Share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

2. Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts: Don’t just get into college, finish it. Where you’re going has what you want.

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Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Zoe Herring.

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.

What happens in high school stays in high school

Graduating high school and going to college is pretty major life achievement. Not everybody does it, for lots of reasons. Only around two thirds of Americans have a college degree. But if you found your way here to this website, then I assume that crossing the stage and going to college—probably moving away from home to go to college—is something you’re planning on.

College is a new start. You’re no longer confined to the strictures and bell schedules of high school, no longer looked over every hour. You get to leave a lot behind, and that’s wonderful. But let’s pause and take stock of some things you leave behind that you may not be thinking about. When you leave high school and go off to college, what stays behind?

Your high school grades. You’ll need to send an official high school transcript to your college once the final grades are in. And, if you’re like a lot of people, that’s the last you’ll ever see of your high school grades. The bad news is that they truly are part of “your permanent record.” The good news is that nobody is likely to look at, or care about, your permanent record. No matter how good, bad, or mediocre your high school grades were, you get a fresh new start in college.

There’s a catch, though. Your college GPA is very likely to be about the same as your high school GPA, or slightly lower. There’s a pretty strong correlation between high school grades and college grades. If you want your college grades to be different, you’re going to need to plan ahead to make that happen.

But unless there’s a change, your college GPA will probably be the same as your high school GPA. If you want to change, start planning now. Being a better college student than you were a high school student will require extra focus and organization. Time management skills will be incredibly important.

Your standardized test scores. Once you begin college, your SAT, ACT, or AP scores really don’t mean anything. They may have helped you get admitted to college, and they may even have an effect on your required classes in college, but they become useless after you begin. If you have scores you’re not proud of, that can be a nice burden lifted. If you invested a lot of your self-worth or self-identity in high test scores, though, the transition can be a bit more uncomfortable. But either way, those scores are done with.

I have to warn you, though, that that done-ness can come back to bite you sometimes. If you transfer colleges, either from a community college to a four-year college or from one four-year college to another, then those test scores may be meaningless.

Say, for example, you get admitted to a university based at least partly on your high test scores, but then things don’t go well. For whatever reason you fail a class or two (or three or five), and you realize the school isn’t a good fit. Your transfer application is going to rely much more heavily on your college record—which isn’t so hot in this example—than your high school record. The college may not even consider high school or SAT/ACT at all. This can be a big problem.

When I went to college, I placed out of the required first-year math and first-year composition requirements based on my SAT scores. That was wonderful! But then, when I transferred to a different college my junior year, they didn’t have the option to skip those requirements. And I didn’t have a math credit or freshman writing class on my transcript. So I had to take College Algebra and Freshman Comp my senior year. It was no fun.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t doubt your affection for, and commitment to, your boyfriend or girlfriend. I do, however, doubt that you’ll be together for long once you’re in college. It just doesn’t usually work that way. Yes, you hear about people who married their high school significant other. I know people who have been with their spouse since they were in high school. But that’s what they call “the exception that proves the rule.” Think about it this way: when a couple has been together since high school, that’s noteworthy. People will call them “high school sweethearts.” It’s rare enough that it’s got a name and is something people bring up. Couples who met and together after high school? Nobody mentions that. There’s no special term for that, because it’s the norm.

I don’t think there’s any good reason to put your romantic life on hold until you’re done with high school (unless, of course, you want to, which is great also.) Nor do I think you should treat romantic partners as disposable, someone you’re just going to get rid of once you get to college. But far too many recent high school graduates are caught off guard by this dilemma. It’s okay to start thinking about it now. And talk about it. And plan for it.

Your family’s input and intervention. The Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act, or FERPA, guarantees that you and your parents have access to your educational records. You may have a Permanent Record, but you’re not supposed to have a Secret Record. What this means for you in practical terms is that if you or your parents have questions or concerns about your grades, the school has to respond. A teacher can’t legally say “your grades are your grades and I don’t have to explain them.” It also means a teacher can’t legally share your grades with others.

Once you’re in college and a legal adult, however, you get all the privacy. Not your parents. So the good news is that if your parents try to call one of your college professors to get answers about your grade and performance, the professors aren’t allowed to disclose anything (here’s a succinct graphic). The bad news is that you still have to deal with your parents about your grades and performance, and your professors won’t provide any context or support. It’s just you.

Some of the most important things and people to you in high school will suddenly get really un-important to you, really quick. Sometimes in ways that are freeing and glorious, sometimes in ways that can be a pain in the butt. I’m not trying to scare anyone or tell you that what’s important to you now isn’t really that important. I just know that there are sometimes situations where people ask “why didn’t anyone warn me about this?” You’ve been warned.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

1. Share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

2. Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts: “The Glossary: summer melt” and “The two things you need for success in college and beyond.”

3. Ask a question in the comments section.

Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Angela Elisabeth.

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.