What do you want to be easier?

There’s something that I try to make very clear to my clients before I begin working with them. Everyone gets almost exactly the same speech:

I don’t do anything that you can’t do. You don’t need me. A million high school kids graduate every year and go on to college. Most do it without anyone like me helping them. I don’t have any secret techniques or special connections. You won’t get into college thinking that Benjamin Holloway got you there. You’ll probably, hopefully, forget about me. What I do is help you do it more effectively and more efficiently. This is your first and only time going through this, but I go through this with multiple people every year. So that’s something, and it’s not small. But you can do this on your own if you choose.

To be honest, most colleges could make the same sort of statement. You don’t need college, and you certainly don’t need any specific college. The benefits of a college degree are meaningful and real, yet around two thirds of Americans don’t graduate from college. College doesn’t automatically or effortlessly deliver you to your goals. What it does is make you more effective and more efficient at reaching your goals. College doesn’t make things good; it makes things easier.

To find the best colleges for you, spend time thinking about what you want to be easier. It’s not as simple as it sounds. You have to be honest with yourself and think expansively. There are probably several things you would like to be easier, and some of your hopes and expectations you probably don’t talk about openly.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what you want to be easier is to focus on replacing words like “good” and “best” with statements of ease.

Here’s one example: “I want to go to a college with a good chemical engineering department.” Ok. What does “good” mean to you in that sentence? What do you want to become easier? Do you want it to be easier to get a job in chemical engineering directly after college? Do you want to make it easier to get accepted into a graduate program in chemical engineering? Perhaps you want to go to a “good” chemical engineering program because you want to make it easier to decide if chemical engineering is really what you want to do, and you figure that going to a “good” program will make that more clear than going to an “mediocre” program. Maybe the desire, at its core, is more social-emotional than academic: you’ve spent years being a nerd, and you want to make it easier to hang out with other people who are interested in things like chemical engineering; you want to make it easier to belong.

And what if you don’t know your major, or you’re open to changing? When students tell me they’re worried about choosing a college because they have no idea what they want to do, I tell them that’s no problem— liberal arts are really good for undecided people. When I talk about liberal arts colleges being “good” for these students, and what I really mean is they make it easier to explore multiple options while still graduating in four or five years.

Another example: students often tell me that they’re interested in a place with a strong sense of school spirit. That’s perfectly fine, but think about why that’s important to you. What becomes easier? Is it because a school like that will make it easier to set up a lifetime network of friends and job contacts? Will it make it easier to find social events with people your age? Will it make it easier to feel part of a community that will last beyond the four years that you’re in college? Will it make it easier to do your school work, which you’re not super excited about, if you know there are sports events every week, which you are excited about?

I can anticipate some objections to thinking about how colleges make things easier for you. College isn’t supposed to be easy or to make things easy, some will say. It’s about being challenged, being out of your comfort zone, about being exposed to things that make you question your assumptions and even your identity. I don’t disagree—college, at its best, indeed does all those things. But also: any other aspect of life, at its best, will also do those things. College just makes it easier, because there’s a concentration of people and traditions whose job is to challenge you, and there’s also a built-in support system for dealing with the challenges. It’s like going to a gym. You don’t go to a gym because gyms are the only places with heavy objects to lift. Gyms aren’t meant to be easy, but you go to them because all the equipment, trained professionals, and support are in one spot. It’s easier to do the hard work. College, while hard, is the same. Yes, college is difficult and challenging. So much so that you go there because it’s easy to be challenged there.

While we usually think about college as a transition from youth to adulthood and focus on things like jobs and training, there are also deep emotional aspects of college. There are all kinds of things we want to be easier that college can help with. We want to make it easier to make our own paths while still making our parents and communities proud. For many, the thrill of getting accepted to a prestigious, famous college comes down to making it easier to feel accomplished and important right now, before college even begins. In our vague-but-real American class system, a college degree doesn’t guarantee you’ll be in the upper classes, but it sure makes it easier. That’s on a lot of high school students’ minds, even if they don’t articulate it that way.

I don’t think every student needs to go through this. The majority of students I talk to have a pretty good idea of what they want, and they can go straight to committing to that by making a College Mission Statement: “I want to _____ at a _____ school with _____.” But if you’re struggling to understand what you want, if the answers to lots of questions about your near future are “I don’t know” or “I’m not really sure,” then begin by thinking about what you want to make easier. Think about it academically, professionally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. You can do almost anything. What would you like for someone else to make easier? Which challenges would you like the most support in tacking? Understanding that can help you narrow down your college search much more efficiently and effectively than looking though more lists of “good” colleges.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

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2. Read these related posts:

   How do I write a college mission statement?

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Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Zoe Herring

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.

Following your North Star

There’s a quotation from Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh that I return to often:

If you are lost in a forest at night, you can follow the North Star to find your way out. You follow the North Star, but your goal is to get back home; it’s not to arrive at the North Star.

It’s an analogy that Hanh use several times in his writing and talks. In all cases, it’s about not confusing the method with the bigger-picture goal. In his book Being Peace, he uses it when talking about how difficult it can actually be to follow even a basic guideline, like not killing animals:

If you are lucky enough to have a vocation that helps you realize your ideal of compassion, you still have to understand more deeply. If I am a teacher, I am very glad to have this job helping children. I am glad that I am not a butcher who kills cows and pigs. Yet the son and daughter of the butcher come to my class, and I teach them. They profit from my right livelihood….You may try to follow a vegetarian diet, to lessen the killing of animals, but you cannot completely avoid the killing. When you drink a glass of water, you kill many tiny living beings…..I am aware that my vegetarian dish is not completely vegetarian, and I think that if my teacher, The Buddha, were here, he could not avoid that either. The problem is whether we are determined to go in the direction of compassion or not. If we are, then can we reduce the suffering to a minimum? If I lose my direction, I have to look for the North Star, and I go to the North. That does not mean I expect to arrive at the North Star. I just want to go in that direction.

Rules, guidelines, and methods are great for helping us achieve our goals, but they’re not the same as the goal. We don’t follow the North Star to get to the North Star.

This understanding can be really useful when you’re working through college applications and start getting stressed about the expectations. My SAT score is in their bottom 25%—does that mean I’m not qualified? The college’s admission website says they recommend four years of social studies, but my I’ve only got three years—should I even bother to apply? I know that it’s good to visit campus, but I didn’t have time to visit campus—that’s going to count against me, isn’t it? Don’t get too bogged down in the guidelines and expectations. There are definitely some non-negotiable rules. But lots of the guidance and advice is just…guidance and advice, not the goal. Those details just let you know that colleges are looking for smart, hard working students who have already expereinced some academic success and are active in their college search. If that describes you, then put together the best application you can that demonstrates it. Don’t worry if you don’t check off every tiny box. You’re goal isn’t to check off boxes, it’s to apply to a college that’s a good fit.

It’s good to remember this in the larger picture as well. Your goal isn’t to be accepted to a particular college or a particular type of college. Your goal is to become a productive, successful, happy adult. Going to a “good college,” however you define that, is a path to that goal, it’s not the goal itself. If you’re not accepted to your top-choice school, or are denied from many schools and enroll at a “safety,” it doesn’t mean that you won’t achieve your goal of becoming a productive, successful, happy adult. If you are accepted to your “dream school,” it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will achieve your goal. If you cheat, plagiarize, and lie on your resume to get into a school that will make you feel good about yourself, you’re not likely to feel good about yourself. The hit you take to your integrity and self-worth will negate the temporary, superficially good results.

The whole process can all be especially difficult if you don’t know where Home is. If you only have the method but don’t know the goal, that can be demoralizing. I’ve known a number of high school students who knew to follow the North Star, but had no idea where they were going. They knew to get good grades, to have things they could put on an Activities List, to get accepted to selective university. But they didn’t have any goals or ambitions beyond that. They were following the North Star just to follow it, with no real idea why they wanted out of the woods or where home was. If they were being honest with themselves, some would probably see that they spent so much time and energy following the North Star to avoid having to think too much about Home. None of us have a goal or path all the time; all of us go through the motions of what we think we’re supposed to do until we figure out a higher calling or passion. It’s really common, and not necessarily a problem at all. If you think you’re doing this—that you’re following a method to reach your goals even though you’re not sure what you’re goals are—the first step is be honest with yourself and acknowledge that’s the case. The next thing is to be kind to yourself and curious about yourself. You’ll find your way. Get help if you need it. Just don’t expect that you’re going to arrive at the North Star.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

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Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Zoe Herring

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Making new year resolutions? Focus on the How, not the What

You’re probably familiar with the Marshmallow Test. In the 1970s, psychologists put little kids in a room with a marshmallow. The test administrators left the room for about 15 minutes, telling the kids that if they didn’t eat the marshmallow sitting in front of them, they could have two marshmallows when the administrator returned. Some children were able to resist the temptation sitting in front of them to get the bigger prize, but many were unable to wait. Decades later, the psychologists met back up with many of the kids from the experiment, and they noticed that the ones who were able to resist as children had much better outcomes adults—better grades in school, higher paying jobs, more general happiness. The experiment seemed to show that children who have the inner power to delay gratification tend to have more successful adult lives. It proved, at least maybe, that will power is a real and powerful thing.

The experiment has been replicated, studied, and challenged many times. It turns out that the correlation between resisting the treat and better outcomes later stands up fairly well, but there are many factors that explain the results other than innate will power. Not surprisingly, if you grow up in a financially secure household and feel you can trust authorities, then it’s easier to have will power.

Here’s what stands out to me about the experiment: kids with a strategy did better. They didn’t just sit there, staring at the marshmallow in front of them, deciding over and over again not to eat it. They did something else to make it easier. Some of the successful kids did this on their own, by sitting on their hands, turning around, singing a song, or otherwise distracting themselves. Sometimes the strategy was built into the experiment: when the psychologists helped out by putting a cover over the marshmallow or providing the kids toys to play with, the kids did better at holding off and getting the bigger prize. Delayed Gratification is a how, not just a what.

If you’re making near year resolutions—or setting goals any time—keep this in mind. Most goal setting and self discipline are about delayed gratification, so remember the lesson: how, not just what. A large goal, any large goal, is essentially a Marshmallow Test. Can I resist the temptation to give in to easy treats in order to get a larger reward later? Can I resist the urge to check my social media feeds in order to do better homework and have higher quality studying? Can I avoid the temptation of…everything else…in order to keep an established weekly time for my college search? They’re all marshmallows. More abstract and more important marshmallows, but essentially marshmallows.

Setting a goal is good, but it’s unlikely to work. Most of us can’t simply decide to avoid eating the marshmallow. We can’t simply decide to be better students, better family members, have healthier bodies, have clearer minds.

Setting a goal and having a method for enacting the change is better. You’re deciding what you want to achieve, and you’re also deciding how you’re going to achieve it. You’re adding a how to your what.

And here’s the trick: setting a goal and having at least two layers of methods for enacting the change is even better.

The most common methods for achieving goals include routine, accountability, measurability, and help from others.

Here’s a personal example. I have made it a goal many, many times to exercise five times a week. I know that I should exercise to help out my blood pressure and weight. I know that I should improve my flexibility. I have frequent back pain, and exercise is the primary method for dealing with that. Despite making this sensible, achievable goal, I have never exercised five times a week. I’ve not been able to delay the gratification of doing other, less difficult things to get the reward of a healthier body. Simply deciding I’m going to exercise five times a week has never worked.

But here’s the thing: I always exercise at least twice a week. It’s not because I have a little bit of will power. It’s not because I try hard but not too hard to remember my goal. It’s because I have a method: I work out with a personal trainer on a set schedule twice a week. The routine and accountability make all the difference. Because those workouts with my trainer are always on my calendar, I never schedule anything else at those times. If I don’t show up to work out with my trainer, I have to pay her anyway. She sends me reminders and she gives me encouragement. I have podcasts that I look forward to listening to in the car on the way to the studio.

I have a goal for five days a week, but I only set up methods for twice a week. So I exercise twice a week.

If I’m going to make it a new year resolution this year to begin exercising five times a week, I’m going to have to include methods, not just the goal. The obvious answer is to use what has been successful so far and work out with my trainer five times a week. But that’s expensive, and I don’t necessarily have time to drive to the studio five times a week. I need to do most of my workouts at home. So what I should do is pile on a number of methods to make sure it happens. I should establish routine times to exercise on the other days, and put them on my calendar. I should set out my exercise clothes as a reminder. I should ask my trainer to check up on how often I work out at home to add a little accountability. I should find a new podcast to listen to while I exercise at home. Setting the goal isn’t enough—I need multiple methods to make it happen.

Let’s think about an academic goal typical of smart, ambitious high school students: get better grades at school. Deciding that you want to improve your GPA is a good thing, but it’s unlikely to work. You need methods, multiple methods, to set you up to achieve that goal. You’ll need to establish regular homework and study times. Ideally it would be the same time each day, but that may not be possible. But for each day, there needs to be a set time you’ll do homework and study. Set up a regular alarm on your phone to remind you every day that it’s time to study. Also set your phone up to go into “do not disturb” mode for your set study time. Establish a routine place where you’ll do this homework—not your bed!—and have everything you need for homework in that place. Tell a family member or other adult you trust about your plan, and ask them to follow up with you about how regularly you follow it. Decide what would make a good reward for following your plan at least 90% of the time, and remind yourself often of what that reward will be. If you’ll do all these things, you stand a much better chance of actually raising your GPA.

If you fail, it will not be a lack of will power. If you fail it will be because of circumstances beyond your control, in which case you will need to alter your methods and try again, or because you didn’t execute the methods in the first place.

So if you’re making new year resolutions this week, remember:

Decide on methods for success, not just the goal. Decide on the methods now, not later.

The more overlapping methods, the better.

Effective methods include routine, measurability (“I will raise my GPA by seven points” is better than "I will get better grades”), and outside help/structure.

If you succeed at implementing the methods but don’t meet the goal, you’ve still succeeded. If you set up a good homework/study routine and keep at it…but don’t raise your GPA significantly, you haven’t failed. You’ve set yourself up for easier success next time. Self-discipline and delayed gratification will always pay off in the long run. Always.

Happy New Year!

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, here are three easy things you can do:

1. Share it on your social media feeds so your friends and colleagues can see it too.

2. Check out these related Apply with Sanity posts:

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3. Ask a question in the comments section.

Apply with Sanity doesn’t have ads or annoying pop-ups. It doesn’t share user data, sell user data, or even track personal data. It doesn’t do anything to “monetize” you. You’re nothing but a reader to me, and that means everything to me.

Photo by Zoe Herring.

Apply with Sanity is a registered trademark of Apply with Sanity, LLC. All rights reserved.